“You complete me,” was the pinnacle of an intimate love.
But when that fell apart, so did my foundation.
My strength, my knowing.
I had built my world – my mattering, my significance, my barometer of love – around somebody else.
The pain that I felt during that time was so profound.
I craved significance.
I wanted to go out and get drunk and have men hit on me all night.
I wanted to dance sexily and attract them like flies and have my pick of them if I wanted to.
I just wanted to feel desired, important, worthy.
I am so grateful for the whisper I heard then.
A whisper of an inner knowing that I hadn’t fully connected to yet… but who I heard enough to know that the answers I was looking for weren’t at the bottom of a glass of wine or in the bed of a stranger.
The answers – the worthiness, the significance, the love – I was looking for were within me.
So every time I wished I was with the man who used to make me feel important, instead of messaging him something I would later wish I hadn’t, I asked myself a powerful question.
“What am I really craving?”
“How can I give that to myself?”
I was the only one who knew exactly what I wanted and needed in every moment, and I knew exactly how to fill those needs.
No one else can ever be as good at filling your needs and loving you as YOU.
In fact, if you don’t love yourself first, you make it really hard for anyone else to.
This is absolute truth.
If you don’t believe you matter to someone, you won’t be able to see you do, regardless of how they try to show it.
You unconsciously push away people who love you if you feel you don’t deserve to be truly loved.
And every time you interact with someone, you’re training them in how to interact with you. So if you don’t treat yourself well, you can expect to be treated the same way by the people around you…
So, knowing this, I started to fill my own love tanks first. My foundation had come crumbling down around me, and I built it up underneath my own feet this time.
If I was craving that feeling of being held and supported and told it’s all going to be okay, I would wrap my arms around myself and tell myself what I needed to hear.
If I wanted someone to buy me flowers or take me on a date, I gifted myself with that.
I gave myself what I’d always wanted my partner to give me – and I realised I was actually the best partner I’d ever had.
Because I knew the intricacies and pathways of my own being more than anyone else ever could.
And as with many things, when we realise something is out of balance we can do a complete pendulum swing the other way.
I started to believe all of my healing needed to be done internally, that I couldn’t get anything I needed from someone else.
Until I met a beautiful man who showed me otherwise. He showed me that when we heal internally, we can attract people who mirror back to us the beautiful way we love ourselves. And those people can further our healing, too.
After a string of men who have felt challenged by the mirror of personal responsibility and transparency I hold up, he is grateful. With every challenge, he sees a new opportunity for growth and steps up into that. Where others have left with abandon, he has stayed with passion.
One night when I told him I felt undesired in my past relationships, he woke me up the next day with his head between my legs. He told me he wanted me to know how incredibly sexy I was and that he wanted me all the time.
He finds me sexy when I’m brushing my teeth, singing off-key in the car to the radio, and when I haven’t shaved my legs. His total acceptance and embrace of all of who I am has allowed me to embrace my uniqueness more fully.
Where others have been threatened by my strength and knowing, he trusts. He says he knows I will make the right decision for me, and he believes it.
Where others have let me push them around, he has firm boundaries. He is teaching me how to honour him. As a goddess who worships the masculine, I am so grateful for that opportunity.
You don’t necessarily need someone else to heal. In fact, the only person who is completely mandatory is you. You need to be fully awake and conscious, aware of your patterns and willing to take ownership for them, you need to know what you need and gift that to yourself.
But don’t shut off from the idea that someone else can help you heal. They can shine a light on – and love – the parts of you that you didn’t even know needed light and warmth.
Like everything, it’s a balance.
Build your foundation. But make sure you let your friends come around to help you build your beautiful home.
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